When I don't touch people or let them touch me, I get whined at for not being open and available. When I DO let people touch me, I get whined at for breaking our agreement  !!! How am I supposed to know what's ok?? IT'S SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.

That's a BIG fucking reason in MY mind to NEVER EVER do this kind of thing or participate in this lifestyle. You – or someone – gets jealous and insecure at some point, and this is what happens. You BLAME me for being exactly how you encouraged me to be, and made it clear we couldn't have a relationship UNLESS I was like that. But now i am coming to terms with it and being more touchy-feely, JUST HOW YOU WANTED, it's suddenly a problem for you?

Your words today have made me feel frustrated and angry and upset, full of despair and loneliness, said words to me that tell me you don't trust me and that I am somehow being unfaithful to you. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Just because I'm getting more attention than you right now (which I always will) is NOT my problem but yours. If you pick an attractive woman to be with and then force/encourage her to be like that, you have to expect that at some point you won't like it. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'm being all the things you want, and still it's not good enough for you.

I don't ENJOY being touched by other people. Mostly I just feel numb when someone else touches me sexually, or even just lovingly, because I'm not tuned into that feeling that it's ok to be like that with other people when you're in a relationship. I felt nothing with APJ when he was touching and licking me. I was making 'nice' noises so you two would get off; I'm a people pleaser. I didn't hate it, but also it didn't turn me on either. I felt nothing when other people were squeezing my tits in the hot tub, some admiration, sure, but nothing pleasant, nice or sexual at all. But sometimes when others touch me I downright HATE it, I can't stand it, it makes me feel disgusting and used and like a toy, like a whore. If I wasn't drunk at those times I would most likely smack people off me and run away. I HATE IT THAT MUCH SOMETIMES.